Key
You're in the Army now - ohhh!
About bed-making
Cool, but pink cords?!
Escorted by military police carried through half of Germany the railroad station over six miles apart the Bundeswehr barracks were reached in the evening after more than seven hours. Nobody in the barracks expected the new recruits. About one hour later they were lucky enough to get the transfer arranged. During the ID check sandwiches (two pieces) and salted tea (unlimited) were offered and - a sleeping accommodation was just found, however, it was early morning then.
You are welcome - your country needs you!
Eliminated (but too late!) draft service - its sharing justice was an absolute joke of its own. And this non-voluntary and non-social extended year didn't just mean any harm to me at least... Or did it so - [Y-Tours]? (in German) - since then, however, I know how to make beds at least.
We put the man in the middle - and therefore on the tray
Course clear!
Authentic(?) radio communication between the aircraft carrier USS
Enterprise (USS) and a radar contact (Echo)
[according to P.M. 5/1999, p. 16]:
USS: Please change your course by 15 degrees to north to
avoid a collision.
Echo: Recommendation, you change your course by 15 degrees to
south.
USS: Here is the commander of a US warship. I repeat: change your
course.
Echo: No, you'll change your course.
USS: This is the carrier vessel Enterprise. We are a very large
warship of the US Navy. Change your course - and do it now!
Echo: No we don't, we are a lighthouse.
Military correctness
Examples of the Book for Military Drill - Edition Army
and of the Zentrale Dienstvorschrift (ZDv; Engl.: Central
Regulations).
Once upon a time in the ZDv: With dusk closing in darkness
has to be taken into consideration.
ZDv: At water levels of more than 1.20 m swimming
movement has to be started independently.
Radio connections, F 65, chapter 331:
Call: »Lion to all, how do you receive me, over.«[...]
Possible reply: »Here Tiger, I cannot get you, over and out.«
([If] the words are not to be heard or to be
understood.)
Philosopher in uniform: A corporal after the room
inspection: »Everything is regular, clean and in due form.
But somehow - so unkind.
«
💥
Dismountable terminal
ramp
To be able to entrain heavy vehicles anywhere at the railroad
line the Bundeswehr has purchased dismountable loading ramps with
buffer-stop. Thus a small goods station may immediately arise. The
planers, however, didn't check that the railroad embeds its rails
with ballast. And this ballast must be picked away at a length of
about 25 meters in order to completely lay open the sleepers.
No way out
[Source: ?] When the first pre-series of the Lockheed Starfighter
F-104 were produced, one was in fear that after the pilot had got
off with the ejector seat the force of the wind might throw him
against the high T-shaped tail causing serious or even deadly
injuries. Therefore one made the unusual decision to fire the
ejector seat downwards. During a test start, yet on the ground, the
engine caught fire and the pilot...
Philosophy of life
After a heavy abuse by a corporal because of alternating left and
right closed belts of his guys, and the careful question how it
would be suitable then: »I don't know, too. But
uniform!
«
Chicken nuggets
[Source: urban legend] After some incidents the air force decided
to study the effects of a collision between a jet and a bird. A
ground test range was built up in which one could shoot at aircraft
frames with a special ordered high-speed catapult. High officers
were invited for the first tests and chickens as ammunition were
bought in the supermarket. The result was »effective«: the cockpit
glass was completely destroyed, the pilot's seat was penetrated as
well as the rear wall of the cockpit. Shocked one consulted an
engineering company to propose solutions: some days later it came
out with the recommendation to defrost the chickens prior
shooting.
Clash of cultures
Eminently it's true. According to Raymond M. Smullyan in: What is the Name of this Book?, Prentice-Hall, 1978:
The computer story I like the most deals with a military computer. The army had just launched a rocket to the moon. The Colonel typed in two questions: (1) Will the rocket reach the moon? (2) Will the rocket return to the earth? The computer thought about it some time and then spilled out a card to read on: »Yes.« The Colonel got furious; he didn't know whether the »Yes« was the answer to the first question, the second question or both at a time. Therefore he typed in angrily »Yes, what?« The computer thought about it some time and then a card came out with the printing: »Yes, Sir.«
Hell's Gate - Abandon all hope, ye who enter here
Believe me or not - your track chain is flat.
Let shot come slowly!
Formation »Queue for Peace«
Life-aid
Edgy minded officer-in-command during a maneuver, Upper Palatinate, 1986:
Only fools and lazybones get cold, hungry and wet.
By the way: numerous recruits received serious frostbites during a winter maneuver, because of the non-functional equipment. Thus the GERMAN Bundeswehr accepted (after public pressure) winter equipment of the SWISS Army. After all since that time the Bundeswehr chiefs know - let's hope - that not only it may get dark at night, but also it may get cold in winter.
No food - no fight
Extract of the labels on the meals of the Einmannpackung (Engl.: one man package; combat ration), also kindly named EPa warm parts:
The contents can be eaten even cold without a reduction in taste worth to mention.
Well, where nothing is... Even an inscription like »for dogs and soldiers only« wouldn't surprise. My tomcat Tom, however, shrank from them. And he even liked raw mice.
Vade-mecum
Ecclesiastical - catholic army chaplain in the »social knowledge lessons«, Amberg 1986:
The commands of the superiors are god-deliberate.
Good to be Lutheran. There is another god.
State of Emergency
Experience when men were still all alone. A corporal before a maneuver, Amberg 1986:
After 10 days in Grafenwöhr a woman's bike in a distance of 100 meters gets exciting.
As you know (perhaps) the German High Command has shown consideration... Since several years women may serve as well. Whether this is supporting emancipation is anyone's guess.
Principles
Expression beyond doubt during sentry and patrol lesson:
Private, what must be your main rule on patrol? - No witnesses, Sir.
Active euthanasia
Enlightening - Bert Brecht's idea:
Imagine it's war - and nobody goes to it!
And up-to-date: notice board, Chair for Computer-aided Circuit Design, Friedrich-Alexander-Universität Erlangen-Nuremberg, Gulf War I, day 2, 1991:
Imagine it's war - and your TV isn't working!
Or aimed at the desolate condition of the Bundeswehr and especially the transport situation: TV satire heute-show of September 26th 2014:
Imagine it's war - and no one gets to it!
Erstwhile I was also »encouraged« to sing the Tank Song:
And should at long last, fickle Lady Luck leave, [...] our tank our iron grave it will be on that final date.
(But it should be clear ever since the Ardennes in winter of 1944/45 a tank hasn't a chance without very bad weather at the utmost.)